Gottman Couples Therapy
There is no doubt that divorce can be emotionally, physically, and financially costly, and it marks the end of a marriage, but, is divorce always the answer? Maybe not, perhaps it is worthwhile to invest time and money into couples therapy.
Research has shown that evidence-based couples therapy, such as Gottman Method Couples Therapy works to develop, improve, and maintain healthy marriages/relationships. Also, by the end of therapy, couples who seek relationship treatment tend to do better than those who do not receive any treatment.
So, what is Gottman Method Couples Therapy and how does it work?
Gottman Method Couples Therapy was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. It is the benchmark when it comes to successful couples therapy, and it is based on scientific evidence. The Gottman’s method aims to assist couples to build new skills for conflict management so that couples can create more intimate and stable relationships. It teaches you the ‘how’ of relationship recovery. It also focusses on relapse prevention post treatment.
What can predict divorce?
According to Gottman’s research, there are 6 predictors of divorce, and one of these is the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are;
1) Criticism – verbally attacking your partner’s character or personality
2) Contempt - attacking your partner’s sense of self, intentionally abusing or insulting your partner
3) Defensiveness – victimizing yourself to deflect a perceived attack and reverse the blame
4) Stonewalling – withdrawing to avoid conflict, and convey distance, disapproval, and separation.
If you use the four horsemen, you may take five deep breaths and use the following antidotes instead, but most importantly consider seeking help from a qualified relationship therapist.
The Antidotes to the four horsemen;
1) Gentle start up – instead of criticizing, you can discuss your feelings using “I” statements and express a positive need. For example, I would like to be taken out on dates and laugh more with you…
2) Building a culture of appreciations – instead of acting contemptuously, you can remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and find gratitude for his/her/their positive actions. For instance, you can create a list of all the good things your partner does for you and for your relationship.
3) Taking Responsibility – instead of behaving defensively or deflecting, you can choose to accept your partner’s perspective and apologise for your unhealthy behaviours. For example, I am sorry that I have hurt your feeling by doing…, I can see how much my actions have hurt you…
4) Physiological self-soothing – instead of stonewalling and stewing, you can take a break and spend some time distracting and self-soothing. For instance, helpful self-soothing strategies may include walking, listening to relaxing music, running, taking a bath, singing etc.
What does couples therapy involve?
Gottman Method Couples Therapy consists of 3 stages of treatment.
Stage 1 is assessment, you can expect an hour conjoint session, followed by an hour individual session and one hour of feedback and goal setting. These are scheduled across four separate appointments.
Stage 2 is treatment and consists of 12 to 14 conjoint therapy sessions. This does vary and is an estimate only.
Stage 3 is relapse prevention, which may take 3 to 7 hours across 6 to 10 months. This can vary and is an estimate only.
It is important to complete a comprehensive online questionnaire as directed by your therapist because it will help your therapist gain a deeper understanding of your specific concerns.
If you would like to improve your relationship with your partner, please consider seeking help from a relationship therapist. You can call today to schedule an appointment with Khatira Gudaz, who has completed level 1 & 2 of Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
Article written by Khatira Gudaz
References
Davoodvandi, M., Navabi, Nejad, S., & Farzad, V. (2018). Examining the Effectiveness of Gottman Couple Therapy on Improving Marital Adjustment and Couples' Intimacy. Iran J Psychiatry. 2018 Apr;13(2):135-141.
Irvine, T. J., Peluso, P. R., Benson, K., Cole, C., Cole, D., Gottman, J. M., & Schwartz Gottman, J. (2024). A Pilot Study Examining the Effectiveness of Gottman Method Couples Therapy Over Treatment-as-Usual Approaches for Treating Couples Dealing with Infidelity. The Family Journal, 32(1), 81-94. https://doi.org/10.1177/10664807231210123
The Gottman Institute. (2024, April 1). The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/